Travel woes or How I survived yet another flight without taking the law into my own twitching hands

There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who don’t have to travel regularly on work… and those blighted traumatized wilted scarred souls who do. To identify a member of the latter category one needs to do the following:
1. Pick target human being to be classified
2. Pick one child under the age of two-and-a-half feet
3. Take such child and bring within a 100 yard radius of target human being
4. If target human belongs to the former category, one notices smiling, purring, cooing and occasional babytalk interspersed with copious amounts of ‘aaaawwwwww’.
5. If target human is an unfortunate member of the latter category, one notices an instant furrowing of eyebrows, pursing of lips, hoarsening of breath, occasional swearing and the unmistakable glint of bloody-murder in one eye.
6. Remove such child quickly from the scene for the well being of all concerned.

It’s not my intention here to diss children… or parents. But believe me. There’s nothing worse than being on a delayed plane- for four hours at a stretch- crumpled into a seat too small for mankind- without much sleep the previous night- with screaming child who swallowed the microphone in seat behind you. Mmmm… that is a little harsh. There are worse things, I suppose… like being boiled in hell’s oil… or slow death by tickling… or sitting on same plane for four hours with screaming, kicking child who swallowed the microphone, in seat behind you.

It’s not that I don’t like children. Au contraire, I luv 'em. Just keep the li’l bastards off enclosed spaces where other human beings have to live for stretches of time longer than 60 seconds. I understand that there are instances when children have to be transported over long distances. For this very purpose, I propose “kindergarten flights” - separate air carriers for carrying children. That, in my opinion, would be a fair and just situation- a battle of equals, if you will- where all concerned can bawl and scream and kick and drool to their hearts content. Compare this to the gross unfairness of today’s flight set up. If I resorted to any of the above mentioned activities in sheer self-defense or retaliation, I’m positive I would instantly be given the boot… shown the door… flung into the outer darkness. This new solution, I believe, is a vast improvement over my previous proposal, which was to transport the dear ones in specially built trappings (I wouldn’t ever call them cages, but you get the idea) along with the cargo… just as you would poodles, Chihuahuas, felines and other equally adored creatures under three feet.

P.S. Rohan, Diya, Maya and that golden haired boy sitting across the aisle from me from whom i could not so much as hear a pip throughout the journey are all exempt, although all of them are under three feet.

P.S. 2. This picture is for you, Krix- the intrepid fighter pilot a.k.a Blogpest